The Little Girl That Hitler
Tried To Forget

(or, Channel Surfing at the End of the Millennium)

__________by Avery Chenoweth__________

WOMAN'S VOICE

Honey, do you mind if we leave it off? I feel like I never see you. It's like we never even get a chance to talk anymore, if it's on--

MAN'S VOICE

Just for a minute, baby. I just want to see what's on the news. Okay? Great.

ANNOUNCER

This is the NBS News, with Jane Polly reporting in New York.

JANE

(Hums the NBC News theme) Good evening. (Pause)

WOMAN

I hate it when they do this. They just want us to wait. I'm going to do the dishes.

MAN

Come on, give it a chance. I said I would do them. This California thing is amazing.

JANE

In other news today--

MAN

Goddamnit. I told you I would do them after the news, and now I missed it.

WOMAN

She didn't SAY anything, don't blame it on me--she just shows off her boobs--

JANE

And in Washington today, White House spokesman, Mike McConnell, repeated the President's concern, echoing Congress, as they joined in the call for the emergency suspension of civil rights in bilateral talks between the Universal Coalition of Cults who called on member nations to lay down their arms while they continue to hold embassies, and access to the United Cults' Internet site has shut down as millions of people joined in the universal walk out, surging out of cities all over the world, from Paris to London and Tokyo, in spite of threats from nations now losing--

MAN

What the hell are you doing?

WOMAN

I want to see what's on the Psychotic Channel. I want to see if my sister's on yet.

ALICE, an old bag lady

Are you looking for the little kitty that lives around here? A kitten saved my life once. Yeah. Down in Florida. I'm on the street now, Mitch Snyder kicked me out of McKinley. You know how that is. Came up from Florida. You know this country's been under chemical attack steadily since 1917 till 1970? Not many people realize it but it's true. Still happening today.

VOICE OF GOD

HELLO, ALICE. IT'S ME, YAHWEH. WHO'S ATTACKING US?

PSYCHIC WEATHERMAN

But tonight's big story, Michelle and Steve--yes, it looks like we're in for another clear but not so starry night here in Gotham city. As you know, most New Yorkers can't even see the stars at night due to the light of the city, but all over the country and the world observers are out with their telescopes tonight, trying to see something that has NASA scientists concerned--Yes, you guessed it: another star has vanished from the heavens, making this the third one this week to disappear.

Just last week you may recall that scientists all over the world noted that the little dipper became a little pill box, and now it's Orion's belt that is almost gone, making almost a quarter of the night sky totally dark and devoid of stellar bodies--raising fears among officials that, with riots already spreading, we may now face--

JANE

Well, all of this had a marked negative effect on Wall Street today as the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell three-thousand-and-seven points. One trader characterized today's plummeting prices and heavy volume as the largest load he's dropped in years.

WOMAN'S VOICE

Oh! Leave it here! The French Lieutenant's Sophie--did you ever see this? Meryl Streep's in it and Kevin Kline, I think.

MAN

There must be a million dishes out there. We have any soap? Come on, let me go--

NARRATOR

(Mellow Louisiana accent) In my younger and more insufferable years I was a young southern writer heading for destiny. That was the year of the summer I spent in Brooklyn. It was glorious. The two most unbelievable characters I would ever owe a debt to became my friends. She was Sophie, a mysterious woman who couldn't pronounce my name, and he was Nathan, a raving psychotic. It was all I could do to love them dearly and keep my ear pressed against the wall. How much I owe them no lawyer can ever say...

SOPHIE

(In slip with drink) Vat? Vat kin I say to conceive you, Dingo?

WINGO

Tell me about your father complex whydoncha? Everybody's got a father complex, Sophie.

SOPHIE

Ach, mein fodder. Ven I vas little goil mein fodder vas policeman und den one day he became the President of the United States und I vas so happy dat day!

WINGO

Then what happened, Sophie, then what?

SOPHIE

I hated him. Und all over town the people vas sayink that I am--eh, how you say?

WINGO

Delicate?

SOPHIE

Ya, und--

WINGO

Beautiful with luminous flesh?

SOPHIE

Ya, und--

WINGO

Mysterious, intelligent, and talented?

SOPHIE

Ya, das it--(She sees Nathan approaching and whistling). Yikes!

WINGO

Sophie, what is it? You can tell me. I love you as dearly now as my very own and always will, you know that.

SOPHIE

Oh, boy, gut, Dingo. Eh, lissen. Get in closet, okay? I lose shoe. You find for Sophie, ya? (She shoves him into the closet and slams the door.)

NATHAN

(Throws open the door and stands there smoldering.)

SOPHIE

(Tense, pinning up her hair.) Vhy, Nuthin. Vat a surprise!

NATHAN

Whore! Slut! Where is he? (Looks around) Oh, Sophie, it's you. Good. I think I'll hang up my coat.

SOPHIE

Nein! You can't go in der! I mean, I'll do it!

NATHAN

(Quiet rage, as Ricky Ricardo) So--phie!--whose nose is that in the closet door? (Rips open door. Big performance) So! I turn my back! And who's this--Funky Winkerbean?

WINGO

Hello, Nathan. I've heard a lot about you. My name's Wingo.

SOPHIE

Nuthin, please! It's not vat you dink!

WINGO

She's right, Nathan--it's not vat you dink. Just cause we're sitting here getting drunk half-naked in the dark don't mean a thing. I really love you. You're a special star in my universe, Nathan. And besides, somebody's got to be here to keep prying the stuffin' outta her. Or we'll never get on with the plot.

NATHAN

I guess you're right, Bingo, and a brilliant writer too. I love you both. You, too, Sophie. (They all hug)

SOPHIE

Come on, everybody--let's go for a picnic and give der neighbors and police a little peace and quiet.

WINGO

That's a swell idea!

NATHAN

Not you, Stingo, you nosey little sawtoothed wombat--ha! ha! just kidding---(He takes a pistol from his pocket and aims it at Wingo) This is your last picnic, pal--

SOPHIE (Screams)

WOMAN

What the hell are you doing?

MAN

Sorry. Chick flick. Sorry. Must change channel. Can't help it. Chick flick. Sorry.

GAMESHOW ANNOUNCER

And so, Mrs. Lubavitch, it's your turn to walk the gangplank. And down below there is only one fate awaiting you. But which one is it? Is it Tom Cruise naked with a hard-on, or is it 30,000 gallons of percolating human shit? Yes, it's your choice, Mrs. Lubavitch as we play the game that has America entranced--which is it going to be? To remain where you are and face that street gang, or to walk the plank and step off into infinity as we play...

AUDIENCE

LEAP INTO THE VOID!!!

PHIL DONAHUE

Let me say that our guests today are Joan and Larry Norm. And our subject today is Murder. You're both murderers, is that right?

JOAN and LARRY

That's right, Phil.

PHIL

And this is your life style, is that it?

JOAN

That's correct, Phil.

PHIL

And you--how do you feel?

JOAN

Great. Never felt better.

PHIL

Because?

LARRY

Because we've taken control of our lives, Phil.

PHIL

And this is Dr. Phyllis Rhodes, whose book is Criminal Life Styles: An Alternative. Doctor, what about this? Isn't killing bad?

RHODES

Well, it really is a personal issue, Phil, and I think a lot of us have forgotten that.

PHIL

But what about America today, doctor?

RHODES

I think we see that for as many life styles we see in America today there are persons who live them.

PHIL

Okay, Larry, but tell me, why you?

LARRY

Well, Phil, with me it was always this feeling from the time I was very young that I was just different from the other boys. I loved to maim my sister's cat, Winky.

PHIL

But your violent antipersonalism? How did that come about?

LARRY

Well, by accident, really. I was playing with a gun.

PHIL

And you didn't know it was loaded, is that it?

LARRY

No. He didn't. Bud, my neighbor, in my driveway calling my bluff.

PHIL

The guy you---

LARRY

That's correct, Phil.

PHIL

But tell me if I'm wrong. You're also a member of the community! You belong to clubs!

LARRY

That's correct, Phil. I'm a fascist. We have our own nation in Montana. We exchange weapons, girlfriends, triggering devices, plastique, that sort of thing.

PHIL

Is the caller there?

CALLER

Yes, I just wanted to ask about the doctor's credentials?

RHODES

I think, Phil, that first we have to say, yes, she is asking a question. And that's an important start. Because so many Americans today forget to ask.

PHIL

And our boys in the military, too, is that it? [Applause.] You know, I don't want to sound preachy, but I don't think the housewife of today is going to put up with this a hundred years from now! [Applause.]

EMERGENCY 911--DOCTOR

(Emergency Team is bent over woman's body.) Count! 90 over 130!

MEDIC

Oh, my God! Look! (The emergency team freezes, then gasps)

DOCTOR

Dry--damaged--My God--look at those split ends! (Authoritative) We'll have to cut! But I want a full workup first. Wash and condition--get that color out of there!

MEDIC

You know what that'll do to her self-esteem? You can't just change her hair color like that! Is there a therapist in the house!

MAN IN AUDIENCE(Dr. Machina, standing)

I'm a therapist, young man. I'm trained in Jungian technique, have an MD from Hopkins, I'm licensed by New York State. And I take Visa. (Sits)

DOCTOR

(Self-righteous) You think I don't care! You think I don't know what I'm doing! I been on these streets all my life--and when I say `wash and cut,' I mean it! Now, Goddamnit, I'm not going to lose this one!

MAN IN AUDIENCE(Dr. Machina, standing again)

I'm sorry, did I step on your line just now? Did I mention that I take Visa? (Sits)

ALICE, the old bag lady

Germany. They're attacking us. I used to work at IBM and I used to know a lot of Germans that worked there. They say it too. They all knew about it. Some of them came from the embassy. Of course I don't have any proof. But you know, after all, I'm the little girl that Hitler tried to forget.

VOICE OF GOD

EXCUSE ME, ALICE, I WANDERED OFF THERE. I WAS LISTENING TO BILLIONS OF PRAYERS, AND SOMETIMES, WELL, I GET A LITTLE DISORIENTED. YOU SAID THE LITTLE GIRL THAT HITLER WHAT?

ALICE

I'm the little girl that Hitler tried to forget. See, I was born in Œ38--I grew up during the war and Hitler knew me through my healing. He doesn't like me talking about it, but there's nothing to hide. He knew me and my mother. We grew up doing what we do, not just the physical but the spiritual--I believe in the whole karma. Alexander the Great and Hitler, see, they're in on it.

PSYCHIC WEATHERMAN

With the stars disappearing, it's been a hard week in California where psyhic storms continue to pound the beautiful people of Malibu. So, for the next few days, we can expect to see this building in the media and resulting in a widespread drop in self-esteem all through the midwest, which could mean increased cynicism here on the East Coast by Monday. In Chicago, Canadian complacency will bring with it an even mixture of envy and outright whining for the next few days, and just a touch of self-pity, which is normal for this time of year. But! You got it! It will feel like real depression on the sensitivity index. Again, typical for this time of year. We'll have your Psychic Weather Forecast after this brainwashing from our criminal sponsors.

STRANGE WOMAN, VOICELESS, SCREAMING

ALICE

They're spiritually connected, you see, and they were powerful personalities. It's like Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King, they had them killed off you know back in 1968 to 1970. You know I painted my Door of Death black with a white cross? Cause Chuck Robb is going to be President in 2001. But I'm not of those types, it's not that kind of thing like the 60s. I was in it before, back in California. My astrology is older than that.

STRANGE WOMAN VOICELESS, SCREAMING, GESTURING

MAN

Why are we watching the Rage Channel? Hey, who is that? Do we know her?

WOMAN

I just wanted--Oh, my God--it's Louise--yes, it is! That's her--look!

STRANGE WOMAN

You ruined my life! You sit there and let me make you breakfast, I give up my running, I make your eggs, and all I have to show for it is a sink full of dirty dishes! (Volume down but not off, she continues her unintelligible diatribe)

MAN

Are you sure? I thought she weighed more than that.

WOMAN

I know my sister when I see her. Sshh--I can't hear this if you're talking.

STRANGE WOMAN

You are so passive it's killing me! You don't even exist! You just sit there and feel sorry for yourself and watch that Goddamn idiot box like I'm not even here. And all I do is clean up after you, the dishes, the bathroom--well, I'm not your mother! (Volume off, Strange Woman continues screaming and gesturing)

MAN

You know, I did ask if we have any soap. I said that five minutes ago. And I was ready to do them, but, no, you wanted me to watch that movie. So, I did. And we watched your movie. Hey, don't roll away from me. Come on.

WOMAN

Why aren't you affectionate anymore? You never touch me. I have to initiate everything. If I didn't, we wouldn't even make love. You know how that makes me feel? Not to be touched?

MAN

Oh, come on. You didn't even look at me during dinner tonight How do you think that makes me feel? To be invisible in my own house--with my wife?

STRANGE WOMAN (turns around, becomes) STRANGE MAN (volume up)

You always bring this up when I'm trying to relax! All I'm doing is sitting here and you attack me! I never attack you! But you go crazy and start screaming--

JANE

In Poland today workers gathered in a show of support for the Pope who, on his trip to El Dorado, again called for peace in the Middle East, while here in London today Prince Charles announced the final dissolution of the royal family, as police and FBI in Atlanta stepped up their investigation into the recent bombing of a debutante party and arrested five members of the radical-separatist faction of the Colonial Dames, in what some are calling the worst incident of racial violence in over a year in the quiet suburbs of Moscow, injuring scores of celebrities in the mud slides and fires in Los Angeles, holding embassies around the world with the walk-out now in its fifth day and all signs of state functions collapsing in Europe, Asia, Africa, Latin America--

PHIL

But, Joan, you had another life style. Tell us a little about that.

JOAN

Well, Phil, Larry was working and I was raising the kids.

PHIL

And you were frustrated.

JOAN

Yeah, cause it wasn't easy like it was on TV. Cause they really weren't adults yet.

PHIL

How old were they?

JOAN

Four months and two years. [Murmurs, applause.]

PHIL

So there was a lot of muss and fuss. Tell me if I'm wrong. How did that make you feel?

JOAN

That's just it. I didn't know anymore. Basically, okay. But I thought there was something wrong with that.

PHIL

Right, right. So I guess my question is, how did that make you feel?

JOAN

Terrible. I just kept watching "As The World Burns."

AUDIENCE

As sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives...

PHIL

But obviously that wasn't all.

JOAN

No. I watched "The Flintstones," too. [Applause.]

PHIL

But I think there is something else here we all have to understand.

RHODES

That's right, Phil. I think the important thing we have to remember here is that in terms of a television society, which I discuss in Chapters 1, 3 and 5, Joan was exposed to these programs on TV.

PHIL

So then what happened?

JOAN

Well, one night I just got sick of it. The crying, the bills, the voices in my head. Everything. So I did them in.

PHIL

You mean you did away with your children, is that it?

JOAN

That's correct, Phil. I let'em know where I stood. [Applause.]

RHODES

You know, Phil, we all see this in our lives today in terms of what we see. And I think we're aware of that. It's just the problem of coming to deal with it as an issue that's the problem.

PHIL

You know, I don't want to ask for more than we have a right to know, and this is a sensitive issue. But how did you do it? Did you get the drop on them?

JOAN

Oh, no.

PHIL

Stab them?

JOAN

No, no.

PHIL

Shoot them, strangle them?

JOAN

Nope. Guess again.

PHIL

I give up.

JOAN

I just poisoned them in the applesauce.

PHIL

So they went with a smile, is that it? [Applause.] But help me understand this. Larry, you're her husband. How did you feel?

LARRY

Well, Phil, naturally I wasn't thrilled with Joan had done. But we sat down and talked it over and decided she had done what she felt like doing.

PHIL

I bet a lot of mothers feel like that. [Applause.] But I think we have to make the point here that you're a very understanding husband. A lot of men out there aren't that understanding! A lot of men would have called the police.

LARRY

That's what I did. [Applause.]

PHIL

But why?

LARRY

Cause I'm a hypocrite. [Applause.] And we needed a good ending, Phil, to clinch the movie rights. And working with Sly on this project has been just wonderful. I mean, I love his early work as an actor, but as a director, he's really so intuitive.

VOICE OF GOD

TELL ME, ALICE. DO YOU THINK HITLER IS STILL ALIVE?

ALICE

Oh, yes! The Queen says he's down in the Falklands, but I believe he's in Argentina or El Dorado, near Chile. He's still arranging his evil. Come Armageddon and he's going to have some awful karma to pay back. And getting killed in combat is the worst. It's an unrequited death. Look at me. Still trying to find out who killed McKinley. And what do you do?

VOICE OF GOD

WELL, I GUESS I WOULD CALL MYSELF AN ANARCHIST. ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH CHAOS THEORY? THAT WAS MINE. BUT DO I EVER GET ANY CREDIT? AND, MAN, THAT PISSES ME OFF-AHHHH!

GAME SHOW ANNOUNCER

Mrs. Lubavitch! Tom? Are you down there? Anyone? Bob, how hot is that shit?

(Mrs. Lubavitch Screams, as if in response to God's prattling and it blends with--)

SOPHIE

(Munch meets Lucille Ball. Her scream overlaps with God's voice and Mrs. Lubavitch's screams, all three rising to a fortissimo) AAHHHHHH...........

WINGO

Whew wee, Sophie. Fragile, beautiful lies, delusion, hope and despair. What a thing it is to be born. You gotta get that Oscar now.

NATHAN

(Makes a masturbation gesture with his closed fist) Big deal. Look, Sophie, if you really love me, you'll jump off this cliff hanger with me now. Ready? (She kisses Wingo's head, then pats it goodbye) A one, a two--

WINGO

(Staring after them) Jesus, this is getting so tragic. Isn't there anyone who can make sense of the human mystery for me? Some divine-- Why, who are you?

DR. MACHINA

(Man in audience, rising from his seat) I'm Nathan's brother, Wingo--Dr. Machina, a freelance therapist. I've heard you're a great writer, but there's something you should know. Nathan was a genius, then he became a schizophrenic.

WINGO

So that explains why--

DR. MACHINA

(sober, authoritative) Why he was zaney and fun loving? Why, yes, it does. Now that you mention it.

WINGO

And why he was--

DR. MACHINA

Also implausible and yet utterly tragic? As we all are in our private moments? Yes, I guess it does. What will you do now, Wingo?

WINGO

I'm going back to Mayberry to write the Great American novel. How can I ever thank you? Hell, I know--change the names! Don't you worry! Well, the sun rising over the Brooklyn Bridge symbolizes a new tomorrow for me so I better be--

ALICE

Well, what would happen if that asteroid hit here? We'd be blown to pieces. Mayor Barry and his subways. I know because I was an intelligence analyzer for IBM long time ago. Truman, Kennedy, Reagan. I've seen it. I saw him, you know, George Bush. He was coming out of a secret trap door in the zoo. (Talking, volume off)

MAN

Why do you say that? I am affectionate. I touch you all the time and not just for sex, either. Yesterday, when we were going outside, I even held the door for you.

PHIL

Is the caller there?

CALLER

Hello, Phil? I just wanted to say that you're better than our minister, but today, I'm sorry, I'm turning it off. [Applause.]

PHIL

Wait a minute. You think what she did is sick, is that it?

CALLER

Well, yes.

PHIL

And shouldn't be on TV. Wait. Stay with me on this. You're saying this kind of TV is a form of viral epidemic. But--but-- Would you watch it if it wasn't on TV?

CALLER

Uh. . . yeah. I would just change the channel. If it was on somewhere else.

PHIL

And so you would if it was!

CALLER

Would what?

ALICE

In the Zoo they have these secret meetings nobody's supposed to know about. It's in the tarot cards. It's to watch out. We were a family of witches for centuries, me, my mother and Barbara. Me, Nancy and Barbara. Soul-mates You know, you could be our soul-mate. You could be one of us, too. It's the way we do things in America these days. It's all about this and that, but nothing's made to last. Do you remember that article about those people in the Universal Cult? How we should just walk away and go into the jungles again and wait for the ship and then kill ourselves?

VOICE OF GOD

YOU KNOW I LOVE THE SUNDAY TIMES, BUT I NEVER HAVE TIME TO READ IT ALL. SO I GET THE WASHINGTON POST INSTEAD. OH, SURE, IT'S A LOUSY PAPER, BUT THE STYLE SECTION IS FUN AND THE ASTROLOGY IS AMAZING. THEY ALWAYS GET MY SIGNS JUST RIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM TOTALLY ADDICTED TO IT!

OLD BAG LADY

Did you read that? How they're dying. And the stars went out.You think I'm crazy?

VOICE OF GOD

NO, ALICE, I AM...THAT I AM...THAT I AM...THAT I AM...THAT I--

RHODES

What I think we have to emphasize here, Phil, is that Joan feels good about what she did. Whereas before she was simply a home executive, now her life has a criminal aspect. And that has given her a sense of direction.

PHIL

I don't want to be flip, but straight to the pen is what you mean. [Applause.] I mean, guess what I'm saying here is that you did kill them, we can't forget that.

JOAN

Look, Phil, I'm an adult and I don't have to justify my atrocity to anyone.

PHIL

But, doctor, we still don't have all the answers yet. Is that right?

RHODES

That's correct, Phil. Every year they find out new things and technology gets better, but we still don't know everything yet.

PHIL

But, doctor, the issue we haven't touched on today--and we all know it's there--is what role Big Business plays in all this. I mean, here we are. We've got taxes. Government. Schools. Jobs. Unemployment. Blacks. Whites. The kids are growing up, we're getting older, there hasn't been a world war in over 50 years. And a lot of Americans today are sitting there and all they want to know is, `Hey, what time is it?'

PSYCHIC WEATHERMAN

So, for your Psychic Forecast, we're looking at a rise in serotonin as the walk-out extends into its second week, with an increasing awareness of the end of time and of spiritual transcendence and reunion with the Godhead. So, whether you're planning to take part or just to be left behind, you'll want to remain especially vulnerable right now, and ignore official warnings to remain inside. That's your Psychic Weather-- (THE FOLLOWING VOICES OVERLAP)

JANE

(Sonorous) Never have I seen a story reported like the one about today's Universal call for exodus and suicide and the tumult that it caused all around the world. Or, to it put another way, never has a story caused more tumult than the way we reported this one today. In New York, I'm Jane Polly. In Chicago, I'm Janisha Polly. In Los Angeles, I'm Juanita Polly. In Moscow, I'm Vladimirovna Polly. In Brazzaville, I'm Huuka Von Thuuka. In Thailand, I'm Yong--EEE-ow--, in--

(VOICE OF GOD: THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM--)

(WINGO'S VOICE: I WAS NEVER TO SEE ANY OF THEM AGAIN, THANK GOD--BUT I KNOW THAT I SHALL ALWAYS LOVE THEM--)

(ALICE: YOU SEE, HITLER TRIED TO FORGET ME BUT HE COULDN'T CAUSE I HEALED HIM--)

(THEIR VOICES BLUR INTO WHITE NOISE)

(TV IS CLICKED OFF. DARK. SOUND OF BREATHING. PAUSE.)

WOMAN

I appreciate what you're doing, and I do notice that you do the dishes, but have you ever thought about what would happen if we--broke up? If we just called it quits? Cause I am tired. I am so tired. I really am. I mean, I could join the walk-out in the morning. But what would happen then? Have you thought about that? What would happen to us? Would you go with me? And what if they didn't come for us?

MAN

(falling asleep) I think there's something on Dateline about that tomorrow night. We should check it out. Then maybe later, if you still want, we can go. Love you.

Avery Chenoweth appeared in the last issue of Blue Moon, and in many other publications, including among them Harper's, Lingua Franca, the Sewanee Review, and the New York Times Magazine. He has recently completed both a novel.





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